At 2300 last night, 11 people were arrested for crimes related to the death of Joe Markham near Harmony Cove. One Anson Hardnasty is currently being held for accidental manslaughter, but in spite of a confession from Hardnasty, the police are choosing to continue holding all parties involved.
“This is the most suspicious group of people I’ve ever seen,” says Police Chief McGarrett. “When we showed up last night, about 6 people were carrying deadly weapons, and one Max Hertnett was laying unconscious next to an unused med kit. People were just walking over him as if they didn’t care. For Max’s sake, it’s a good thing we got there when we did.”
Even after the crimes had come to light, the Chef who catered this affair, Mojo Mo, continued to over-serve the crowd tropical drinks. “This crowd just witnessed a murder and by the time we show up, half of them are plastered.” said McGarrett.
Jack Slack and Ned Brighton were arrested for illegal ownership of a fire weapon. Suspiciously, Ned has been released without explanation early this morning and was driven off in an unmarked black Escalade.
Elsie Brighton has been accused of 4 cases of attempted murder. In an exclusive interview with the Bus Driver of this Luau, we were told “Elsie was fighting people all night. She spent 20 minutes chiseling a rock to an arrowhead so she could try to stab Max.” Surprisingly, with her husband, she was also released this morning. When asked, McGarret said “Surely she couldn’t have been attempting murder all night in a swim suit like that. That Ned’s a lucky man.”
Keoni and Jack Slack have additionally been accused by some of the other suspects of pickpocketing. “When asked why he was robbing the other patrons of this Luau, Keoni told us he needed to find the encrypted data so that he could find the killer and his aunt wouldn’t have to give an old man sexual favors. It’s this unstable vigilantism that makes good tourists like the Brightons afraid to come back here.”
Well known Real Estate agent Anna Nayuki has not been accused of any crimes, but she reportedly will not leave the police department until she gets access to the arrested Hardnasty so she can “finish the deal”. The police are refusing her entry.
Sarafina Chavez, the actress known for the recent run of SPAM ads “Sandwich’s favorite meat!” and Anson’s girlfriend is thought to be innocent and unaware of her boyfriend’s crimes but the police are choosing to hold her while reviewing an accusal of elderly abuse.
The owner of Harmony Cove Resort, Jay Reynolds, is currently being investigated for crimes at his other property, a ski chalet in the French Alps. His cousin, and rumored lover, died there under suspicious circumstances. More on that next year.
